Women Are Like Elevators...

... and no, before all you feminists accuse me of being derogatory toward women and calling the Tampax Brigade, on me... let me explain.

Women are like elevators in the sense that, I, and the rest of the male population, will most likely never fully understand how they work. In the lobby the other night, I called an elevator, then proceeded to wait and watch as... none of them came to the first floor. One particular elevator rested comfortably on the second floor, and mocked me as it refused to move. Finally, the elevator from the tenth floor lazily made its way to pick me up. Much like the paths airplanes take to reach their final destination, elevators go the most roundabout way to complete a task.

Similarly, women have no rhyme or reason to the way they operate. Women are loose... cannons, which could also be classified as bipolar disorder. Due to the fact that one minute they may act perfectly fine, the next she will be unleashing World War III upon you for leaving the toilet seat up... once. They also may all be CIA agents according to their adept use of lies and deception. The way they weasel information out of you and twist and convolute your sentences to back you in a corner would be admired by the best at Langley.

- "Where were you??" "What were you doing??"

- "Babe, I told you, I was out with Taylor and Jack."

- "TAYLOR, huh? Is that your new fucking slut?"

- "Uh, babe, Taylor's a guy..."

-"Uh-huh, sure he is, what the fuck Brad -- cheating on me, I can't believe you."

- "What the hell Ali, I was out with the guys, you know this... I'd never cheat on you."

- "Oh so you thought about it?!"

- "What?! No!"

- "Whatever Brad, I'm done... have fun with Taylor."

- ".... he's a guy..."

Most importantly, girls are very judgemental. From the acne on your face to the clothes on your back, girls will pick apart every aspect of every person. If your shirt doesn't match, your make-up is done wrong, or your shoes are tied with bunny rabbit ears instead of loop-de-loop, you can expect to feel your ears begin to burn.

On that topic, girl's are incredibly picky. Not that standards are wrong, but sometimes being picky results in accepting everything that's left. In a recent New York Times article, they interviewed single ladies out and about on a typical Chapel Hill night about the 60%/40% distribution of females to males on campus. Without unnecessary name dropping, the interviewed female revealed that "Out of that 40 percent, there are maybe 20 percent that we would consider, and out of those 20, 10 have girlfriends, so all the girls are fighting over that other 10 percent." The article goes on to relate that, because of these numbers, females on campus feel the need to sleep around with multiple guys, on the first night out together, in order to lock said guy down before another girl swoops in for the kill. Futhermore, due to the lack of men and multitude of women, the girls tend to let slide when their boyfriends cheat on them, because "if you don't let it slide, you don't have a boyfriend." Granted, the women who were interviewed were sowhority girls (if you don't like the nickname, don't play up the stereotype) and maybe their choices wouldn't be so slim if they didn't feel the elitism that comes with sororities and fraternities, and disregard those on campus who aren't affiliated with Greek life.

Judging from the statistics of the article, only one member of my 6 person living arrangement has the opportunity to find love on campus. Perhaps I should transfer? Any suggestions?

Damn women.